Spam Triumvirate

Lately I have become obsessed with my Spam folder. I keep feeling that what appears to be a random bombardment of garbage may actually be a complex yet ordered system and if I can decipher the code it will unlock a cache of secrets that I cannot even imagine.

Unraveling the mystery starts with trying to answer this one simple question. Why are 99% of the contents of my Spam box related to the following 3 topic:

  1. Pharmaceuticals
  2. Making my penis larger / harder
  3. Watches

What is the link? Why does Spam love these things and vice-versa? I cannot seem to find a common thread connecting the three. Drugs vs. jewelry vs. length and firmness. I can find some commonalities between various pairing:

  • Watches / Penis Enlargement – Vanity, making yourself look better
  • Pharmaceuticals / Watches – Spam generally focuses on cheaper deals and “knock offs”
  • Pharmaceuticals / Penis Enlargement – Here’s to feeling good all the time

The big picture is not revealing itself. I’m nervous about the next step, which is to make contact. I need to engage the Spam, but how? Ben Gates, Robert Langdon, what do I do?

Nice Hair

Is it enough to just start opening and reading all of them? Do I mark them as “Not Spam” and see what happens when the move into the world of real email? Do I actually start clicking links and ordering products? Will I get dragged so deep into the mystery that I will be found high on Hydrocodone, arms and legs covered in watches and a 16 inch erection? How deep am I willing to go?  How deep can I go (this question was actually put to my by my Spam)?

If anything should happen to me... make sure Annette gets the car.

If you don’t hear from me in 3 months, don’t come looking for me. I am probably dead and will eventually be found floating face down in your Spam box.